There I am. Smirking in the middle of it all. The one advantage I have over every other version of me is that I am aware that I am in the room with us all, and that I have always been in such good company. I can see each of me. I am grateful for the characters I see and I am thankful I have the ability to decide who is steering the ship. We all are such complex beings. It’s what keeps us interesting, it’s what keeps us alive. Love ALL of you…even the parts you may not like. It’s what makes us special.

One of the many traditions of Country Music I am proud to take part in and carry on is the good old glam department. As women of country music, we have the ability to be well put together. We have big hair, lashes larger than life, and so many parts of us taped together that it’s really remarkable that we can even breathe, much less sing and entertain. This part of me had to be eased in and developed.

I never cared much for dressing up in my younger years. Red carpet events were daunting to me. That part of the job was really tough to grow into. But I have, and I adore it. Kind of. ALL of the kudos go to Blakely and Dayna for ushering in and raising my comfort level with such things. While I am keenly aware of how necessary this me is, I make it a point to make light of her and poke fun at the sparkle and spackle.

In this mode I am poised, I am articulate and unshakeable. I flatten my accent a touch for interviews and I mind my P’s and Q’s whilst seated at events. The main struggle in this mode, other than trying to breathe and walk in heels with very sweaty, very tightly smushed together thighs, is that Joan of Arkansas would LOVE to steer. Her honesty, her brass and her grit are SO present when I’m in glam mode that if you watch closely, you can see me literally swallow to stop Joan’s words from exiting my mouth…at least, historically that’s how it’s gone down. Oh Gal in the Golden Gown, you make it look easy. You keep us proud of our poise. There is room for you here.

Girl In Red me is nearly in the same band
wagon as Joan of Arkansas.
Her job
is to help the gal in the golden gown
remember who SHE is.

That’s who is convincing glam girl to toss
pancakes at people. She’s here to remind

me to be good at what I do, but not to take it all
so seriously that I ever drink my own bath

water. Performance you is the real you
with certain parts turned up at certain
times.
The minute you become your own
fan… the minute you start believing you’re
only
stage you, you’re sunk. Red shirt Ash
is right there with the anchor to keep both
feet
on the ground, to keep Joan of
Arkansas quiet when her tirades aren’t
palatable for
certain company and make
sure Betty never EVER takes the stage.
Girl in red is
good at her job. She’s quiet
and kind. She is thoughtful and full of
compassion for
others and for herself. But
we can’t let her take the ship’s wheel all
the time either…
because there is a time to
raise hell and a time to make a scene.

Girl in red, you are so valued.
There is room for you here.

Now I don’t want to slather everything with the topic of drinking but let’s be honest..that is as much a part of country music as guitars. For me, it was such a large part of my identity both on and off stage, there’s no way to extract it from anything. It’s part of our story. It’s beauty and it's ugliness. Joan of Arkansas is frustrated at nearly everything. She’s struggling with a bunch of realities. She’s coming to terms with Betty and her drinking problem but she’s not yet ready to meet that part of herself with love and compassion. She’s frustrated with the valuation of content over art. She’s frustrated that since she quit drinking she’s also become allergic to crowds. She’s frustrated that her anxiety runs the show a lot of the time, but she’ll never let you in on that. She’s frustrated that interviews feel like a bunch of 7th graders telling fart jokes, and she’s supposed to deliver a believable laugh at the appropriate times. She’s angry that, in the words of Guy Clark, you can either be an artist … or you can be a star. Man does that hit hard at this stage of this career. You can be an artist or you can be a star. So pick. Joan of Arkansas, your anger and frustrations are valid. AND there’s room for you here.

Blackout Betty - Man was I a good time. Ole
Betty was when I had been over served
and
made damn sure I would be. There wasn’t a
problem I couldn’t help has fix or a situation
I
couldn’t tap dance through (stumbling just
a touch all the while). She could play the
show,
carry the party, mix the drinks , set
the vibe and sneak off to vomit without
anyone ever
noticing. Problem was black
out Betty was on the thinnest of lines…
between the literal life
of the party , and a
very tangible, very dangerous darkness that
cannot be contained ,
controlled, consoled
or hidden and was damn near impossible
for me to survive. But here
I am. She’s still
here too. Always standing in the back
waiting to jump at another chance to
steer
the ship. I have love for her. I carry her pain
for her. I thank her for the things she
carried
me through. I remain aware of the things
she put me through and what she cost
me.
Betty, old girl … there’s room for you here.